Acknowledge the pain, they said, it'll help you move on.  I don't know if I can last for 17 days, and i've already committed like, a million booboo (i ate a banana that i didn't even enjoy.  i might as well have eaten chocolate) but as long as i'm in this starvation mode, might as well.  I guess my goal here is to lose weight, of course, but also get rid of my dependency for carbohydrates and sugar.  first day cravings taught me how unhealthy my diet has been.  but fuck it.  it tasted good.  I want to compile the cravings, screw the results, i want to see and track down my cravings for the day, because it's ALL i think of since I started and it might teach me a thing or two on just how unhealthy i've become.

bloody diet is easy if you're in the US where you can conveniently and cheaply buy these stupid low carb low sodium items.  but since this is third world philippines, I have to make do with what we have.  and if we don't have it, then do away with it.  Goodbye low-sodium soy sauce! 

DAY 1: SUGAR SUGAR
it's not even bread or rice or noodles i was craving for.  which i found a little shocking since i'm the type who would eat rice with ANYTHING because i'm asian like that.  but today, all i could think of was CAKE.  My mouth feels dry and I ate salmon from a can which had horrible horrible texture.  I also had a salad, it tasted like shit.  I was cake.

DAY 2: HERE COMES THE CARBS
now i can feel it.  i want siopao with mami.  i spent most of the time in the office staring at a picture of siopao and mami.  i'm also craving for bread.  any kind.  all kind.  i bought a veggie salad with one drop of honey mustard (sorry i know, HONEY), when i entered subway, i was greeted (more like MOCKED) by the smell of fresh bread.  TORTUREEEEEEEE

DAY 3:  SWEET AND SALTY
the two evils and i LOVE LOVE this combination.  i want bacon covered in chocolate, Royce's chocolate covered potato chips!!!!!!!!1 OMMGAAAAAAAD!!! green tea with rock-salt and cheese, sweet corn with butter.... sweet and salty.  i want to fucking cry.  day 3 and i'm going crazy.  I've only managed to lose 1lbs since last night.  i better check again tonight.  anything i can't eat, i sniff.  today i sniffed my officemate's cheese flavoured corn crisps.  yesterday i sniffed lengua and chocolate crinkles.  i was a vegetarian for 4 months, and i was never this way.

First day of the 17 Day Diet and my hands are shaking.

Sugar is running through my head.  Cakes, Eclairs, Chocolate, Candy Canes.  I'm not thinking about the usual culprit, like when I went vegetarian the first thing I started to crave for was Tapsilog.  I swear when I get out of this freaking diet i'm going to drink maple syrup. 

I can't believe I gained 10lbs from my college weight.  I was 105lbs when I was at my "lightest".  That was Christmas 2008.  since then, it's been stuff my face with anything and everything.  When I started eating meat, well, I never stopped eating.  Fishball, Isaw, Siopao, Ice Cream, Halo Halo.  OMG HALO HALO.

Good luck to me!

 but damn, i'm so much happier.

Ever since February, I've been on my toes, nervous and all over the place.  Misha said I've been jumpy lately.  It's work, really.  I'm just always nervous, anxious about the next utos i'm going to get, afraid that the next person will screw up what I did so efficiently.  I'm afraid of things that are beyond my control, and it pisses the fuck out of me.  It shouldn't piss the fuck out of me, but I get blamed for it.  I'm thisclose to shelling out my own money to get things in the office in order.  I thought red tape ended when I left UP, but it seems like there's no shortage in Red Tapes in this country.  Try naman natin pink tape sometime.

I talked with my parents, and they now understand why I have to take that leap of faith.  I can feel my friend upstairs screaming at me, reminding me how I used to be, and what I should be.  The greatest teacher in the world told me to rethink my priorities (JUMP! then find a place where you will flourish!) , while my father from another lifetime told me he's always seen me in the sleazy world of media and television.  that's like, everybody i know and respect telling me to stop wasting my talent.  then i go WHAT TALENT?

I haven't been feeling particularly well lately, since August.  Something just doesn't sit well in my stomach and in my brain.  I've thought about running away, but when I was faced with the possibility of packing my bags and leaving for good, I was like, WAIT.  NO.  STOP.  I HAVE SHIT TO DEAL WITH.

What do I really want?

I want to use my brain again.  I want to be good at something.  I want to travel.  I want to stop caring and I want this to end. 

if i could make all the hurt go away, i would.  but for now, you'll have to settle for my hand to hold you.

love.  it may not conquer all, but between you and me, it's all we really need to survive.

I was pretty messed up back then.

I was in the middle of breakup with a guy i was in love with for 5 years.   You might have been getting your laundry done at the same place, because you smelled like him.

You were both tall, pale, with soft black hair that I could run my fingers through.  You were the same height, the same build.  When I hugged you, I only reached up to your chest.  I would lay my head there, close my eyes and pretend that it was him hugging me back.  "You even smell the same" I would say.  And you would hug me tight, because that's what friends do.

I spent my 20th birthday in a hotel bathroom, drunk, sniffing your clothes.  You were on the bed, sleeping,  while your long sleeved shirt was drying at the back of the bathroom door.  Misha took a picture of me snorting your cuffs.  "What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

"nothing"  I answered "just sniffing Adrian's shirt".

I don't talk to my ex boyfriend anymore.  We don't see each other, we don't exchange hi hello's, we don't exchange polite holiday greetings.  I haven't seen him in a year--maybe even two years.  I've practically forgotten what he looks like, it's been that long.

But when I see him, I'll forget all the shit that happened in the past.  I'll swallow my pride and ask him how he's doing, if he's okay, how's his mom, his brother and his girlfriend are doing.  I'll ask if he's found what he was looking for, and i'll ask if i can hug him.

It's funny, really.  Your both tall, pale with soft black hair.  You're the same height, the same build.  When I hug him,  i'll only reach up to his chest.  I'll just lay my head there, close my eyes and pretend that I am hugging you.

Pretend, I guess that will do for now.

holy shit, my LJ entries are a day ahead!! i must fix the dates on my calendar.

i'm running out of "corporate" clothes to wear, so that means i'm going shopping for the next interview, which i hope i don't bomb because i pretty much made and idiot of myself by talking to much on the previous one and sounding like an absolute airhead.  i need to work on my eye contact skills and speaking of contact...

i need new contacts!  i'm so poor i can't even buy new contact lenses.  i can't even get my glasses refracted because i can't afford new lenses since the parents stopped my allowance (and cut my credit card).  these are hard times for sanya coo.

i feel kinda bad because i'm not expecting to get a call back (let alone a job!. wait, is it called "call back" when your applying for a job as well?) because number one, i sounded like and idiot.  number two, i sounded like a really really dumb idiot.  i don't like talking about myself and i have a thing for confrontational BS and unless your a branggay tanod (flash a little cleavage, flirt a little and you get away without a shooting permit, i tell you).  ask misha and he'll tell you i make up the worst lies excuses.  i think people just let me get away with it because they feel sorry for me or they know i'm actually boring enough not to do anything crazy like... come home after 3am.  sleepy by 11pm, home before the sun goes up.  anything later and it's not my parents who get nervous, but me.  sorry, i just like sleeping when its still dark outside and in my own bed.  LOSERRRR.

so i fucked up an interview by sounding too text-bookish in an elle woods kind of way.  i probably fucked up the english test as well because when was the last time i took grammar classes?  Eng10?  i realized i should have balanced my creative writing electives with grammar classes instead of hoarding all the CW units.  ARGH.  had lunch with daddy (since i was too poor to buy my own lunch) at Apartment 1B and had lamb curry.  stupid.  i thought, no onions or garlic since i had an interview, well, curry isn't any better.  i just hope i wasn't babbling away to the scent of digested indian spices the whole time i was talking. 

since i'm hardly in the makati area ever, i decided to take advantage of it (plus i was feeling pretty bummed out from the interview).  so i bought chocolates from rustans (P200 for 4 pieces of heaven!) and, having been depressed and having no sense at all during that time, blew my last remaining savings on SHINY BLACK FAUX LEATHER TIGHTS.  why i need a pair is beyond me.  why i bought it is beyond me.  i thought it looked good on Michael Jackson's girl-goddess of a guitarist (HELLO THIS IS IT!) so i bought it.  i was all, you never know when your going to need SHINY BLACK FAUX LEATHER TIGHTS!  you never know when you'll need to dress up like a transsexual hooker so might as well blow your last thousand on SHINY BLACK FAUX LEATHER TIGHTS!  and since i thought i could dupe my parents in buying a pair of tacky gun-metal strap on platforms, i reserved a pair as well, you know, to match my SHINY BLACK FAUX LEATHER TIGHTS.  

god, is this a way of subconsciously telling me that i should consider being a prostitute?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

"namatay ako", is "i died" when your lazy.

"bakla, nakita ko yung brip nung bet kong kuya...i died" as opposed to "bakla, nakita ko yung brip nung bet kong kuya namatay ako".  mas mahaba siya.  ipapauso ko nga yung "super" as opposed to "ng bonggang bongga" na naging "ng bonggs" so magiging "ng sups".  HAHAHAHA. lets rearrage.

"gay, na-event ko yung brip nung bet ko...i died ng sups"  parang "supa".  chupa. ipapauso ko yun.  ipapauso ko sa mga maid namin, sa driver namin, sa katapid ko at sa aso namin.  pwede narin kay lola pero masyado na siyang thunder not in a thunder gay kind of way na medyo annoying pero never-the-less may fun factor.









pota i miss my orgmates.

hanging out with a future IT girl (HAHAHA) way too much this week.  who, for some reason, rekindled my filmmaker "talents" by asking me to edit a video (it pays to have done 100000000 debut videos) and help write a press release of some sort.  insert knowledge on narrative flow here.

although i had fun pulling an all day-er timing frames to the music and saying things like "you start with the big picture, then small, then details, then cite an example", it made me realize a couple of things.  my creativity relies on humoring my audience.  i don't write from the brain as much as i write from their brain.  i dissect ideas and sentences to fit my audience's taste.  it's reverse masturbation.  it's a full production blow job, complete with a school girl uniform and garter-belts to boot.  i had to take a step back and think to myself, sanya coo, you actually thrive on bullshit, what the fuck kind of person have you become?

so much for the UP education.  so much for the love of film and the arts.  so much for freedom of speech.  i've been consumed by media that i'm not only the perfect market (hello eastwood mall sale on the 13th hello i have shoes reserved until friday hello 101332985 discount cards) but also the perfect propagator of the mainstream mentality that has put the quality of Filipino taste in the shithole.

when i graduated i said on my essay for Miriam College "i want the Filipino people to open the newspaper and read real news, I want them to turn on the television and watch shows with an intelligent mind, i want them to appreciate films, not for the actors, but for the story line and its execution".  (then the sister had to interview me because she wanted to see if i had any aktibista tendencies, HELLO I'M A HANSON FAN). come on.  i had the heart, and half a brain back then to stand up for something, and now, i'm spouting suggestions on "which charity has more social impact  (the poor people vs. the environment)?  make that your first paragraph, cite examples, how did you feel when you were doing it? now make it more heartfelt" .  yes, i thrive on bullshit. 

...and i love it.